In very brief terms the idea of emotional intelligence is best described as the level of control people have over the regulation of their emotions. The higher the emotional intelligence, the more a person can understand their emotions and control how they deal with them, then the more they are able to disempower the brain's ability to get swept away by their own emotional current.
So how do you improve your emotional intelligence, I hear you ask. Awareness is the key; awareness and knowledge give a person choice. By being aware we can choose to react or to respond. So, a reaction might be to let our emotions take over, this is also associated with the fight, flight or freeze mechanism. Reactions are most often experienced as the ‘high energy’ or ‘strong’ emotions – anger, fear, excitement, frustration, lust, love and hate. Whereas the opposite way to deal with things is to respond, which is a more thoughtful choice. Responding may be more experienced as ‘low energy’, calm, relaxed, serene and mindful.
Don’t get me wrong this is not to say that we ‘shouldn’t’ react, sometimes it is completely appropriate to do so – such as an emergency or a situation that requires us to act quickly. I am here referring to situations where we are going to get far more out of learning to respond – everyday situations that require a bit more of us, a bit more focus, a bit more courage, a bit more confidence.
Here are a few things to think about in helping us to improve our emotional intelligence.
- Be aware – think about your own habitual emotions, what are they? Try to name them.
- Identify your triggers – notice what situations trigger strong emotions in you, what are those triggers?
- Practice empathy – empathy is not sympathy, they are different, very simply empathy is ‘what is this like for this person’, whereas sympathy is ‘feeling ‘sorry for them’.
- Learn to stop and take a breath – learn to take a breath before you say anything, a pause for thought.
- Look for the positive before you criticise the negative. There is almost always a positive in every situation, it might not be obvious but there will be one, if you look hard enough.
Everyone is wired up differently, some are naturally calmer and more relaxed by nature, but even if this is not our natural way of being, we can all learn to be more emotionally intelligent. To be a calmer version of ourselves, to respond more thoughtfully and be more serene.
