We live in a world filled with voices. We hear people talking to us, at us and around us. Sometimes we tune in and listen and sometimes we zone out and the voices become just background noise. However, the voice that is most difficult to quieten is the one inside our head, our inner voice. Our inner voice is a continual narrative throughout the ups and downs our lives. It is impossible to block, delete and report it… so we had better engage with it and train it to be kind.
When we talk to others, we usually prioritise their feelings and thoughts. We try not to be deliberately unkind. We try not to be cruel. We use our words to encourage, support and care for those we share our world with as we recognise that using our voice is a powerful tool. Do we also prioritise these things when we talk to ourselves?
Self-talk can be negative. Our inner voice can be a constant, chatting and unfiltered critic with no allowance for error, tiredness or forgiveness. We can fixate on what has not gone right and lean into self-blame and cruelty. Negative self-talk can be a narrative of unkindness that we would never unleash on someone we care about.
E.g I missed the penalty and let everyone down. I’m useless and I don’t deserve my place on the team.
Self-talk can be positive. We can re-centre and remind ourselves of our values and our strengths. We can use our inner voice to keep a healthy perspective and have expectations of ourselves that are grounded in reality and self-care, just as we would for someone we care about.
E.g I missed the penalty. Sport is a team event, and we win and lose together as we always have. I feel disappointed but I will work hard in training and do my best to score next time.
Practising positive self-talk takes focus and training, and just like anything that matters, it can be hard to do. We need to notice when we are leaning into negative thought patterns about ourselves. Ask yourself: “what would I say to someone else if they were experiencing this?” Use the phrasing that you would say to someone else and direct it towards yourself.
Tips to help you practise positive self-talk:
Interrupt the negative voice. When you notice negative thought patterns, interrupt your thought with a “No, I am going to look at this differently” and re-frame the phrasing of the negative thought. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend and call yourself out on it when you are being unkind to yourself.
Externalise the thought. When airing the negative words out loud, we are more likely to see their cruelty than when they are trapped and buzzing in the privacy of our brains. Share your thoughts with a positive person that you trust and let them help you to see it a different way. Alternatively, write down the negative thought, cross it out and rewrite it in more positive way.
Positive affirmations. Choose three positive affirmations that you feel comfortable with and can repeat to challenge the negative self-talk when it gets too loud. Say them on repeat until you feel the negative voice quieten. Here are some examples you could use: 'I am trying and that is brave. I am capable. I am loved. I am a good person. I am safe.'
You are going to be listening to yourself for a lifetime; try to make it the voice of a supportive, loving friend who has your best interests at heart.
